(I wrote this article last February 14, 2011 and I am re-posting this again, albeit delayed since this year's Valentine's Day has already passed. Nonetheless, since February is regarded today as the Love Month, I am posting once again my classic piece and reflection on the Theology of Love, which has been greatly inspired by Pope Benedict XVI's first encyclical, "Deus Caritas Est" - God is Love.")
SINCE THE DAY that every sweethearts and lovesick people look forward to is getting near, I could not resist the lusting temptation to write an article about this thing, which gives people butterflies in their tummies – this thing, this sweetest thing called love. However, my reflection will touch not just on the mere emotional aspect of love but more importantly, on its profound – or should I say theological and even philosophical aspects. Without giving love a deeper thought and careful reflection, I might otherwise give the impression that I am talking not really about love, but rather sentiments and infatuations. As someone who has “Mosby-ed” for so many years, in the sense of being easily carried away by tidal waves of awe, cheesiness and sappiness and unexplainable emotions, I somewhat understand now how different “love” is from “like” and even “lust”, for that matter. But there are still times, when I still quickly fall for the magical spark brought about by mixed emotions and sentiments. I guess, like many of us, I never really learn my lessons in life. But who does so, especially when one is caught by chance and surprise by this magical thing that enchants us all.
Also, I find it timely, if not coincidental, that just recently I surprisingly unearthed from one of my bookshelves an article that I have written almost 5 years ago, in the year 2006. It was a draft of a column article I wrote for our college newspaper, however it was never published since I now remember that I withheld its publication and decided to publish a column discussing an entirely different topic. That unpublished column of mine was entitled, “A theology of love.” Yep. You are reading it right. “A theology of love.”Even I myself was shocked that I wrote an article like this, since for the past few years, I have somehow lost my interest in theology. Nonetheless, even prior to this startling discovery of my unpublished opinion article, my interest and appetite for theology has been renewed once again, for a couple of weeks now. And it is only now that I realize that it was actually because of one particular person and his thoughts on love and humanity that have actually renewed my interest in theology and also served as the inspiration for that unpublished column of mine on the “theology of love.” The person that I am referring to is no less than Pope Benedict XVI, the former Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger. After 5 years, I now vividly remember that it was after reading his first encyclical Deus Caritas Est(“God is Love”) that I began to write for our college paper a very brief essay, or if you may allow, a very short treatise, on the theology of love. But for reasons I still do not remember, as I said earlier, I decided not to have it published. Perhaps, it is by divine intervention, by God’s will, so that I would be able to give a deeper reflection and even contemplation on the essence and theology of love this time.
That is why, my dear friends, allow me to publish and show you finally my unpublished article on the “Theology of Love”, albeit with many additions, inclusions, insertions, revisions and new reflections. 5 years have passed and yet, my “theology of love” seems to be eternal and immortal like love itself. And in spite of what the title of this essay might suggest, this is not an academic, scholarly and heavily theological treatise on love but rather this is just my mere personal reflection on the immensity and depth of human love in relation to God’s love, as expounded by Pope Benedict XVI in his works and as expressed in the Gospel of Christ.
In this world of ours where relativism seems to be the only absolute norm, the topic of love stands and shines out brightly like the stars in the sky when they are beautifully twinkling in the darkness of the night. Love, in the midst of a seemingly relativist world, is the only absolute truth that we can acknowledge and recognize with clarity and light. Love is at the very core, if not the very essence of our existence and of our humanity in this world. For without it, we will not be here alive and moving. It is love that animates us and moves us. Love makes us whole, makes us human. In fact, it was love that brought us into existence in this world. To be precise, it was God’s love that gave birth to human life and existence. This fundamental truth finds affirmation in the First Letter of St. John, which aptly says, “God loved us first.” Indeed! Without this gift from God, then we would be nothing. And as the sacred Judaeo-Christian tradition shows, it was out of love and goodness that God created and fashioned us into his own image and likeness. The Book of Genesis attests to this fact; it said, recounting the first story of creation: “So God created man in his image. In the image of God, he created him. Male and female he created them.” By creating man – male and female, it was clear from the very start that God, like him, wanted us humans to interact, encounter and love one another. We were created and destined to be loved and be in love. Hence, we are able to love because, as what St. John says, God loved us first.
The Creation Story: The First Love
We can clearly see this in the second story of creation in the Book of Genesis, which narrates to us the creation and formation of the first man and the first woman. Despite having all the treasures of the earth at his disposal, God knew that man would not be happy by himself. That was why he caused man to go into deep sleep and while in slumber, God took flesh from his very own rib to fashion and form woman who would be his constant partner throughout his journey in life. By creating woman – and man also – God has destined us to be united in intimate love. In another note, this act done by God is significant also because by creating woman, it only showed the feminine qualities and maternal instincts of the Divine – a loving and tender God who is always in love.
Through the first man and the first woman, God has shown himself not just as a father but also a mother to us all, who are his children. This attests not only to the fundamental equality between man and woman but above all, to the unbreakable bond and sacred union between man and woman since time immemorial. God has been there at the very first moment when man and woman were united to become one flesh, one spirit. As it was in the beginning, God has always part of the union because he himself is its very heart and center. It was not just a union between man and woman but a communion between God and man, humanity and divinity. It seemed then that this bond between God and Man would remain untainted. However, man’s fall into original sin tarnished this beautiful relationship he had with God in the beginning. As a result, he was banished from the Paradise that was the Garden of Eden. And yet, would it be accurate and correct to say that our first parents’ original sin ultimately and permanently separated us from the love of God? Is not their banishment from the Garden the concrete sign of God’s severance of ties with us, his abandonment of humanity? At a first glance, it would seem that God totally forsook us. And yet again, he never ceased loving us. God’s love for us was so great that instead of destroying humanity (when he could have done so immediately after our first parents’ fall), he simply banished them from the Garden and still allowed them to roam around the earth.
And even when man and woman were driven out from Paradise as a result of their sin, God did not totally abandon them. He walked with them throughout the land. And he has continued to walk with them, until now! Perhaps, this fact lends substance to the truism that God’s love for man is most felt not during times of happiness but during moments of trials. Indeed. God loves us not only when we are at our best but God loves us more even when we are at our worst. But even to the ordinary mind, somehow, it seems difficult to understand the love of God vis-à-vis the justice of God. How come this God of ours continues to love us in spite of the evils we have done? In his encyclical Deus Caritas Est, the Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, succinctly answers this question and eloquently describes the immensity of God’s love in these beautifully-written words: “God’s love for his people is so great. It is so great that it turns God against himself, his love against his justice.” The Pope eruditely continues in his encyclical,” So great is God’s love for man that by becoming man he follows man even into death and so reconciles justice and love.”
At this juncture, the Pope obviously speaks of the love of God as shown and borne by the willing sacrifice made by Jesus Christ on the Cross. Christ’s death on the Cross was the ultimate sign, the supreme act of God’s lasting love for mankind. It was a love that was freely given and wholly offered for the salvation of all men and women in the world. Christ’s love was the most dramatic expression of human love, in which through his body and blood, the forgiveness of sins may be attained, and the greatest fulfillment of divine love, when God became man himself. No kind of human romantic love can certainly measure up to that love expressed by Christ. Nevertheless, this does not mean that romance – the simplest and most popular modern concept or image of human love today – is something to be avoided, in order to achieve divine love. In fact, as implied by the Holy Father in his first encyclical on love, romance, or the love between a man and a woman, is intrinsically linked to God’s love. This intimate love between man and woman is known in Greek as eros (hence, from this, we have the word ‘erotic’).
The language of love
It is at this point that now I would like to transition momentarily from the “theology of love” to the “language of love.” The Holy Father has mentioned in his encyclical that for the ancient Greeks, there were three types of love: eros, philia, and agape (as a matter of fact, this was not the first time I have read about it; I learned about these three types of love according to the Greeks from one of the novels written by the great Brazilian writer Paulo Coelho). Accordingly, eros is the love between a man and a woman(erotic love), philia is the affectionate bond between two people (friendship), and lastly, agape is the love of God, the divine love. For the Pope, the two most important of these types of love would be eros and agape, especially in relation to God’s enduring love for mankind.
The Pope notes that for centuries, eros and agape have been tossed against one another and has been viewed as totally opposed to each other and even contradictory to one another. The Supreme Pontiff traces this long-standing struggle between eros and agape back to the times when “sacred prostitution” was one of the popular means to experience the “divine.” Eros was then seen as a sexual way – a sexual rite and passage – of experiencing and encountering the Divine within the person. However, as the Pope himself states, this kind of an “orgasmic encounter” with the Divine has been viewed by the Old Testament faith as a concrete form of moral perversion and travesty. Since then, there has been a conception, an understanding that eros in that form is totally opposed to agape because it degrades the dignity not just of the people involved in this “sacred prostitution” but the dignity and essence of love itself. This, according to the German Pontiff, has led the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche to claim that Christianity has poisoned and destroyed the real meaning of eros. For the philosopher Nietzsche, Christianity vilified eros as a sin of the flesh and thus relegated and equated it with sexual perversion.
However, in a striking way, Pope Benedict XVI exquisitely disproves and demolishes this claim of Nietzsche. The Pope explains that Christianity, in no way, ever rejected eros in its truest and purest sense. What the Christian Faith, drawing inspiration from the faith of the Old Testament, rejected was the dehumanization and perversion of eros. “Nowadays, Christianity of the past is often criticized as having been opposed to the body, and it is quite true that tendencies of this sort have always existed. Yet, the contemporary explanation of the body is deceptive,” the Pontiff writes. He then subsequently proceeds to add, “Eros, reduced to pure sex, has become a commodity, a mere thing to be bought and sold, or rather man himself has become a commodity.” The Pope then explains further that “[h]ere we are actually dealing with a debasement of the human body.” He continues, “[t]rue, eros tends to rise in ecstasy toward the divine, to lead us beyond ourselves, yet for this very reason, it calls for a path of ascent, renunciation, purification and healing.” Far from poisoning it, the Pope says that the Christian faith, with its emphasis on healing and renewal, heals and restores the true meaning of eros. As such, eros, from a Christian perspective, is not poisoned or robbed of its true meaning, but rather, it is given a higher, deeper and profound dimension. Eros then becomes not merely a feeling for enjoyment only but an object and center of fulfillment and happiness for those who are in love, in fruitful relationships, as well. In the words of Pope Benedict XVI himself, “the love between man and woman, or eros, seems to be the very epitome of love.”
But is eros – the love between two people, between a man and a woman – the very epitome, the ultimate expression of love in this world? If it is not and if only agape is the greatest of all these loves, then does eros still have meaning? Does this not only further lend substance to the age-old charges that Christianity diminishes the importance of eros in the lives of people? And that eros, no matter how we try to ‘purify’ it, will always be opposed to the pure love of God?
In his encyclical Deus Caritas Est, the Pope clearly tells us that the answer is NO. Eros and Agape are not opposite or contradictory to each other. They are even complementary to one another. The intrinsic relationship and connection between these two forms of love can be best seen and lived in the great love that God has for us, his people. His relationship with us and ours with his is the living testament that eros and agape are one – human love meets with divine love, human love encounters divine love, human love unites with divine love. Thus, in this sense, it is not just man who experiences eros but God, as well. As Pope Benedict explicitly puts it, “God loves with a personal love yet his eros for man is totally agape.” In other words, eros and agape are indivisible, just as man and woman are inseparable.
The Love and The Like
This unity between eros and agape is best seen and exemplified when two people fall in love and build a relationship based on that love. As human beings capable of loving and building, we often ask ourselves, “why do people enter into relationships?”, “how does this “falling in love” happen?”, or better yet, “when does love begin?” The answer is quite simple. Love begins with one’s self. Otherwise, the person will not be capable of truly and genuinely relating and interacting with others. In short, Man must have eros for himself. For without this, it will be impossible for him to love. As the old maxim goes, you cannot give what you do not have. It goes the same for those who seek love: you cannot love when you cannot even love yourself.
I can write this and I can personally attest to this because of my previous romantic experiences – or should I say, fatal romantic quests. My friends know how crazy I am for love. They know when I am so in love and they definitely know when I am also totally broken-hearted. As a matter of fact, they can even testify to the dozens of failed romantic quests that I had in the past. In all of these romantic attempts that I undertook, I have not won any single battle. Before I could even proceed, I have already lost the game. Why? It’s because I was not armed, with love. It was like going to war, without any rifle, armalite, or bolo. Simply put, I was not just simply prepared (but perhaps, my friends would rather call me hopelessly stupid for that matter).
I have met, mingled and gone out with many women (I could not even count them anymore in my fingers) but then nothing happened. No deep connection ever took place, or if there was ever one, it was never sustained, simply because I messed up with connecting and relating to women. I had so many inhibitions and apprehensions. I withheld my feelings, my sentiments, for the reason that I feared their rejection, even their slightest light-hearted rebuke. In other words, I did not show them who I really was because I thought they will never like me. In truth, it was really I who disliked myself. And for that, my heart suffered greatly and terribly. I had a crisis about myself. I began to question God with sorts of things like these: Am I not lovable? Why did you make me like this? Why am I so ever hopeless when it comes to love? What the hell is wrong with me? and so forth and so on. Then one day, after a careful self-contemplation and deep personal reflection, I realized that there was really nothing wrong with me; what was wrong with me was the way how I wrongly looked at myself, how I badly viewed myself as unlovable and unlikeable! It was as if I set up a landmine, a time bomb for myself, awaiting self-destruction.
Besides, another blunder that I committed in most of my romantic quests was my inability and failure to distinguish ‘love’ from ‘like’, ‘love’ from ‘sentiments’ and ‘love’ from ‘infatuation.’ I easily ‘fall in love’ with a woman whenever I find her nice, likeable or attractive and then begin to proclaim to the whole world my undying love for her! How stupid was I before! It is only now that I have realized that these were not feelings of love but only hallucinations of mixed emotions from intoxication to infatuation. I have had enough dosages of these sorts.
That is why today I have become more careful and analytical when it comes to this feeling called ‘love.’ But then how does one know that this is really it, that the thing you are feeling right now is truly love? In this age of ours when romance is so trivialized, it seems hard to tell love and infatuation apart from one another. They seem to be interwoven. Yet, the Holy Father himself says, “Love should never be based on sentiments. Sentiments can create a magical spark. But sentiments do come and go.”
From this experience that I had, I then began to understand that I only had eros (my use of eros at this point should not be taken in a worldly context; it’s more likely of a fascination or a “crush”) then but never had agape. My eros had no agape in it. That was why my romantic quests before were found lacking, diagnosed to be wanting, and were meant for failing. I was never able to truly love, for two reasons. One, my love was based on mere feelings of joy and mushiness and sentiments of temporary attraction. And two, I was not able to love because I never loved myself. As one song of the great singer Whitney Houston goes, “learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all.” At this point, I cannot help myself but recall the words of no less than the Lord of Love himself, Jesus: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” When put in the context of love and relationships, these words of the Lord Jesus himself become more vivid and crystal clear to me: your love for your would-be girlfriend and wife is the measure of how you love yourself. Your love for yourself is also the indicator as to what extent you would go further for that woman, all in the name and for the sake of love.
However, loving one’s self does not mean and should not lead to shallow vanity and narcissism. Rather, love for one’s self should actually mean loving the Spirit of God who dwells in you and being able to share that spirit of love to others. With love, man becomes whole again, his broken heart is healed once again and is able to love one more time. Thus, love for one’s self paves the way for the person to share this love to others through eros. By this, we mean eros to be that intimate relationship between man and woman. That love which eventually leads to their union.
With that, we go back again to the question we asked earlier? When does love really begin? Cliché as it may seem but somehow human experience lends to the truism that indeed, love begins at first sight. The road to eros usually begins with the crossing of paths and the meeting of the eyes. Then eros proceeds to a further level: the meeting of the minds, in which these two people begin to know more about one another’s personality, likes, dislikes, habits and hobbies. After that, the sweetest stage in the life of these two people comes in with the meeting of their hearts, in which they profess their deep affection and love for another, and thus gives fruit to a relationship. If strengthened and sustained, this relationship becomes more than just that, it becomes a partnership, which finds its utmost and solemn form in the unbreakable contract of marriage.
Love, the Pinoy way: From paggiliw to pag-ibig
In the Filipino context, eros can be beautifully seen in the different stages of love. If the Greeks, on the one hand, had these three types of love – eros, philia and agape, we, Filipinos, on the other hand, have our stages of love and romance in the end view of erotic love.
Paggiliw
For us, Filipinos, eros as we know it in our own national and cultural context begins first with this feeling of paggiliw or pagkagiliw. Giliw in our local language is synonymous to affection, amusement. Kapag ang isang lalaki ay nagigiliw sa isang babae, nangangahulugan lamang ito ng siya ay may pagtingin sa babaeng ito. Ibig sabihin nagkakagusto na siya, o may gusto na siya, rito. Ang pagkagiliw ay nangangahulugang din na ang isang babae ay naaaliw, nawiwili sa isang lalaking siya ay may pagtingin.
Pag-irog/Pag-ligaw
From this pagkagiliw, pag-irog automatically follows. Pag-irog, as a term, is often less used by Filipinos today, in fact, rarely will you ever hear someone use this word. Pag-irog is always associated with courtship, and specifically, the Filipino way of courtship, which includes the traditional and now almost-defunct harana (serenade). Marahil isa sa dahilan sa tila pagkawala ng salitang pag-irog ay ang pagkalaos ng makalumang paghaharana. Sa kabila nito, para sa mga ‘makabagong’ Pilipino hindi na pag-irog ang kilalang tawag sa ganitong uri ng panunuyo kundi ligaw o panliligaw na. However, ligaw in Filipino has two meanings: it could either mean courtship or the state of being lost along the way. I am no expert in semantics or linguistics but I could surmise that ligaw as courtship has also something to do with its other meaning of being lost. When one madly falls in love, one thing is for sure, the person loses his or her right senses, and forgets almost everything in life, except love. In a sense, that person indeed becomes lost. Kung kaya nga ang panliligaw ay isang uri din ng pagkaligaw sapagkat naiiba ang landas na iyong nakasanayan na. Kung dati-rati, mula sa eskuwela, sa bahay ang iyong deretso, pero dahil ikaw ay in-love, tila ‘naliligaw’ ka ng landas dahil sa halip, sa bahay ng iyong kinagigiliwan ka tutungo o di kaya pagkatapos ng kanyang klase, sa kanya’y ika’y naghihintay para sabay mo na siyang masundo at masuyo. Sa madalitang salita, pan-‘liligaw’ nga iyang maituturing sa kalubusan! Kaya nga, kapag naliligaw ang isang tao, isa lamang ang ibig sabihin nito, wala siya sa kanyang landas na nakasanayang tahakin. Naiba ang kanyang kinaroroonan. Naibang bigla ang mundo ng taong naligaw. Gayundin sa panliligaw. Ang taong nanliligaw, naiiba-iba ang mundo, kung minsa’y pa nga sa sobrang katuwaan at hindi maipaliwanag sa kasiyahan, umiikot na, tumataob na, tuma-tumbling pa!
Pagsinta
And when pag-irog or panliligaw becomes successful, this feeling of pagkagiliw elevates into another level, which is pagsisintahan. In this day when Filipinos often use the endearing terms baby, honey, sweetheart, dear, love, babes, or babylove, how sweet it is to my ears whenever I hear couples call each other sinta. Once a man and a woman are way past beyond the panliligaw stage, they now become magkasintahan (sweethearts and lovers). In other words, they now formalize the love and affection they developed during the ligawan stage by entering into a relationship. L. English’s Tagalog-English Dictionary has another meaning for the word sinta, which means rising up or to rise up. In the romantic setting, pagsinta would also mean to rise up, to respond to the call of love. It must also be taken into point that pagsinta in the Filipino setting connotes something really special, something really sweet, even poetic and magical.
Pagmamahal
Once two people formally declare themselves as magkasintahan – magsing-irog, magkatipan – they also proclaim that they have pagmamahalan. Sa pagiging magkasintahan, ipinapakita ng lalaki at babae na sila ay hindi lamang may pagtitinginan bagkus ang pinakamahalaga sila’y may pagmamahalan. Pagmamahalan then becomes the foundation, the core of their pagiging magkasintahan or pagsisintahan. Pagmamahal comes from the root word, mahal which connotes value (hence the words halaga and mahalaga). There is a high amount or value attached to it. When you say, mahal ko ang taong ito (I love this person), it means more than words. It actually points to the fact that you value and treasure that person. As such, pagmamahalan in the context of man’s eros means valuing, cherishing and treasuring one another.
Pag-Ibig
And if there is pagmamahalan, there is definitely pag-ibig. Based from what I have previously stated, it can be said then that pag-ibig is the Filipino equivalent to the Greek agape. Of all the Filipino words on love discussed in this essay, pag-ibig stands out. Whereas, giliw/pagtingin means affection as irog/ligaw is to courtship; and sinta is to romance, pagmamahal seems to be synonymous, if not the same, to pag-ibig. But as we can see, these two also have differences, especially when used separately. The root word mahal as I said has in it an attachment to value. In some ways, it can mean monetary amount or value. Ang mahal nang bili ko sa sapatos kong ito (These shoes that I bought were very expensive). It can also mean title or position. Ang Kanyang Kamahalan (His Excellency or Her Majesty). That is why whenever you say to a person mahal kita, it means that you love him or her because he or she has value and meaning to your life. However, when the sad part comes, when you no longer see value in that person, love diminishes, love disappears. Hence, the expression kaya kami naghiwalay kasi nawalan na ko ng pagmamahal sa kanya or nabawasan na kasi ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya (We broke up because I have lost my love for him or her).
Pag-Ibig, on the other end, traces its roots to the word ibig, which connotes likeness, desire for this particular object or thing. When once says, ibig ko itong makamtan (I would like to have this) it speaks of one’s determination to have that thing. Ibig is not actually desiring but rather a seeking, a yearning. Kapag ang isang tao ay nangingibig o napapaibig nangangahulugan ito na malalim ang kagustuhan ng taong ito. Matindi ang pinanggagalingan ng pangingibig na ito. A classic and perfect example of this would be the common expression Filipinos always use to clarify things, ang ibig kong sabihin (What I really meant/What I would like to say/What I was really trying to say). This phrase sums up the meaning of ibig. It means a deep personal expression which comes from the heart. Ibig is used to explain things, to clarify things, to illuminate things from the vantage point of one’s heart, one’s being.
Mahal Kita, Iniibig Kita
Unlike in the English language where there is clearly a difference between “I like you” and “I love you”, there is a thin line that separates Mahal Kita and Iniibig Kita in terms of vocabulary. At the outset, they mean the same thing. However when uttered and expressed, these words would offer different dimensions and angles. Although both words would mean the same thing in English (I love you), the difference lies in the depth and immensity of these romantic expressions. I believe that for us Filipinos, it is easier for us to say to our friends and loved ones, minamahal kita. Even for foreigners who visit the country, mahal ko kayo would be one of the Filipino phrases that they will always remember.
Whereas, mahal kita is commonly and at times loosely used by Filipinos, the case for the expression iniibig kita would be strikingly different. I don’t know but I have never heard anyone publicly or commonly use this phrase as a means to express their love for their loved ones. Perhaps, it is because we, Filipinos, give high regard for the word ibig and pag-ibig in itself. It seems that mahal is already an overused and abused word while ibig still remains and retains its very profound personal nature. As I have earlier said, it is easier to say to someone, mahal kita than tell that person iniibig kita. On the one hand, though harder to say, iniibig kita when said is more powerful, if not actually more poetic and expressive. You can say mahal kita to anyone but you can only say iniibig kita to someone you truly love.Why? Because pag-ibig for us Filipinos is our ultimate word for love. It is both eros and agape combined. It connotes both a personal and an intimate kind of love. Hence, when we translate the maxim, God is Love, we Filipinos immediately translate it as Diyos ay Pag-Ibig, probably because we recognize that God’s love is the supreme love. As such, for us Filipinos, God is, without doubt, pag-ibig.
Nonetheless, I must reiterate that I am not trying to toss pagmamahal against pag-ibig in the same line of eros versus agape because unlike eros and agape, pagmamahal and pag-ibig are not opposed to one another, in fact, they are even connected to one another. They both convey the same message of feelings of romance and love. It is just that pag-ibig stands out, in the end, because of the immensity of the feelings it carries by itself. What I am only attempting to point out is that there is no struggle between pagmamahal and pag-ibig, because although pag-ibig is the greatest, pagmamahal serves as the bridge, the continuum to pag-ibig. Pag-ibig hence is the more mature and deeper pagmamahal. In other words, it is eros united and accomplished in agape.
Pag-iisang Dibdib
Pag-Ibig, as eros and agape united, in the Filipino context, finds its completion and fulfillment in pag-iisang dibdib, or marriage in simple English. As Fr. Anscar Chupungco, OSB once noted, pag-iisang dibdib is a beautiful expression that sums up the sacramentality and sanctity of marriage. It is surely a better term for marriage than the common Filipinized Spanish word kasal (original Spanish is casar). Pag-iisang dibdib, both in its literal and figurative sense, is the uniting of two persons in love. Their bodies become one, their hearts become one. Nag-isang dibdib na sila. Pag-iisang dibdib will never happen, unless there is pag-ibig. Thus, pag-ibig is the most beautiful expression of eros in Filipino. It is eros become agape.
The agape become flesh: The sacred union and love between man and woman
The Filipino way of celebrating the love between man and woman in pag-iisang dibdib serves as an affirmation to Pope Benedict XVI’s main thesis in his encyclical Deus Caritas Est that eros and agape are complementary and can never be completely separated. They are always, as one song of Rick Astley goes, together forever and never to part. The Holy Father writes, “eros is somehow rooted in man’s very nature. Adam is a seeker who abandons his mother and father in order to find woman; only together do the two represent complete humanity and become one flesh.” Sa madaling salita, ang kanilang pag-iisang dibdib ay isang pagbibigkis, pagbubungkos. From this, the Pope proceeds to say that “[f]rom the standpoint of Creation, eros directs man toward marriage, to a bond that is unique and definitive; thus, and only thus, does it fulfill its deepest purpose.” “Marriage based on exclusive and definite love,” the Pope explains, “becomes the icon of the relationship between God and his people.” With that, according to Pope Benedict XVI, “God’s way of loving becomes the measure of human love.”
However, in this time of ours, marked by an ever-growing relativism, love and marriage seem to be diminished and degraded. How common is it, and even fashionable, to wit, for us to see and hear news of failed marriages, marital separations and divorces nowadays! Love and marriage seem to have lost their ethos and relevance in this modern era! And yet, in spite of these threats to human love, the love between man and woman remains to be the very foundation of the human family and society. It is from this union between modern-day Adams and Eves, the Malakases and the Magandas that humanity continues to love and survive. However, it must be stressed that marriage loses its essence when it is only used as a masquerade to preserve one’s interest and favor. How many stories have we heard that people enter into marriage in order to be saved from ‘disgrace’ or to just simply show and brag about the unity of the wealth and power of two families. There is obviously no love in these kinds of marriage. They are not even marriages to begin with. In this sense, these unions are only mere ceremonies without meaning and substance. They are a travesty to the beauty and greatness of human love. Entering into marriage is no easy decision. It cannot be driven by ego, confused thoughts and mixed emotions. It must always be guided by the clear light of love. Otherwise, that kind of marriage and union will be doomed from the very start. Where love is missing, there is only absence. As the Supreme Pontiff puts it, “love, in the full sense, can be present only where something is enduring, where something is abiding.” As such, man’s eros, in its fullest sense, finds its completeness in a marriage grounded in true love – when man and woman unite in body, mind and spirit before the very eyes of God. The love of man and woman now becomes one with the love of God.
The love of our parents
We all know based from experience and history that a heart that truly loves never fails, even in the face of daunting trials and challenges. As Pope John Paul the Great aptly says, “Love is never defeated!” I have personally seen this from the unbreakable love – eros – that my parents have for one another. Though separated by thousands of miles, their love seems to transcend the world’s geographical boundaries. Even if at times, I would find their terms of endearments and sweet gestures baduy whenever they are together, I confess that I get kilig deep inside my heart. I credit not just them but God, above all. God plays a central role in their married life and in our family life. And based from what I can see from their eyes, they have found in one another, their perfect match, their one true love. How lovely, indeed, and how truly happy I am for my parents. This example of my parents’ deep bond and love leads me back to the words of Pope Benedict XVI that “there is a relationship between love and the divine: love promises infinity, eternity – a far greater and totally other than our everyday existence.” Love – eros – is seemingly endless, for those who are in love and with agape, it becomes truly eternal.
As we can see from the experiences we had in our own families, eros does not end simply with the union of man and woman. The eros between man and woman who have now become husband and wife is not only unitive, it is also procreative. Eros is a continuous, a lifetime process for man and woman. They cannot lose the eros they have for one another. For it is eros geared towards family life and welfare that will sustain their conjugal and marital life. Without intimacy, sex between married couples loses its flavor and color. Their eros will help them sustain, grow and strengthen the love they have built. This eros eventually bears fruits and grows crops. As the Supreme Court of the Philippines succinctly puts it, in its landmark ruling in Ching Mi Tsoi vs, C.A., “sexual intimacy is a gift & a participation in the mystery of creation. It is a function which enlivens d hope of procreation & ensures the continuation of family relations.” Erotic love, rooted in and grounded by agape, manifests its real nature and true self in the union of marriage, the transmission of human life, and the building of the family. Procreation is the summit of erotic love just as the Eucharist is the summit of Christian love. Procreation gives birth to life just as the Eucharistic sacrifice brings us new life by communing with Christ through his body and blood.
The eros of the RH Bill: Ego and Error
This also brings into my mind the controversial Reproductive Health (RH) Bill, which is currently pending for passage in Congress. In the past, I have strongly supported the RH Bill on the belief that this would lead to women empowerment, population control, poverty reduction and downsizing of the Filipinos’ family sizes. However, upon careful reflection, I have realized that the RH Bill has a different ethos and eros. It will not lead to the things that it hopes and envisions to accomplish. Though it looks harmless in paper when read, once institutionalized and implemented, the RH Bill will be dangerous. It is only now (how late, in fact!) that I have realized the grave consequences that this Bill will bring about. This Bill, contrary to what its advocates claim, does not promote life; on the contrary, it promotes a hidden anti-life, anti-love and anti-family mentality, which many of them may not even fully realize. Procreation is discouraged and discredited. The poor are seen as a burden. The children are seen as a curse. The procreative and unitive aspects of love and eros are therefore dehumanized and polluted. This is the eros that Nietzsche knew in his lifetime. This is the eros poisoned not by Christianity and all the good religions in this world but by egoistic human wants and desires. And this is the eros being propagated by the RH Bill – an eros rooted in ego and opposed to the agape of God.
It is true that the current version of the RH Bill in Congress is full of science and medical facts. Yet, it is equally true that this Bill is found wanting in love. The RH Bill smacks of economics but lacks ethics. This is not to say, however, that those who are advocating for the RH Bill in its current form are people who lack love and goodness in their hearts. As a matter of fact, I am convinced that both pro- and anti-RH advocates are united in their desire to build a better society. It is just that the path that the pro-RH advocates would like to take is a path that leads to self-destruction in the end. And this is something that must be explained to them carefully and clearly. If we are to have a genuine reproductive health law, then it must be something that respects life, upholds the dignity of women and promotes an eros that leads to the building of a civilization of life and love. However, I believe this should be explained in detail in another forum and perhaps, if time permits me again, in another article.
Christ’s Sacrifice: The ultimate love story
As we have seen and experienced in our lives and in our world’s history, God’s love has always been with mankind from the moment of creation, to the first day that man began to breathe, to the moment when Adam and Eve were joined by God and even up to this day when in spite of the threats and challenges, man and woman continue to profess their love, their eros for one another. This has been the love story between God and us, his people, which finds its culmination in the sacrifice of Christ on the Cross. The death of Christ on the Cross, to my mind, is the ultimate eros of God’s agape for man. It was a painful, heartbreaking and harrowing death for our God, yet it was also his most beautiful, personal and intimate expression of his great love for mankind. It was eros and agape to the fullest and the greatest. Why then is God’s love for us eros? It is because we are created in the image of God and hence, our love and relationship with him is personal and the love we receive from him though agape is also eros. Thus, God’s love is a love that suffers, a love that endures, a love that forgives and a love that heals – and this love is the cornerstone on which genuine human love and relationships should be built. Christ’s unending love for us men and women should also be our model, our inspiration in being faithful and true to the love that we are yearning for, to the relationships that we have right now and to the future that we are going to build. Love, without God, is not love, at all. No true love is self-serving and self-preserving. That love, no matter how it tries to protect its own interests, is definitely self-destructing. Our eros should always lead to God’s agape because in the end, it is God’s love that will satisfy us. As Paulo Coelho always says, “agape is the love that consumes.” And Christ’s death on the Cross has extinguished our sins and has truly consumed us all. It is the only love that gives us ecstasy.
That is why every time, we take part in the Breaking and Sharing of the Lord’s Body and Blood during Sundays, we experience Christ’s eros – his agape for us –in a very personal and intimate way through Communion. This communion, in turn, draws its strength from the love of the Father and the Son in unity with Holy Spirit. The very nature and divinity of the Trinity is the basic proof that indeed, our God is love because our God is a relationship. That is why St. John is correct in saying that we are able to love because God loved us first. And because we are able to love, we are able to share ourselves to others. Sharing ourselves, our love to others does not necessarily mean that we need to find partners for ourselves who we can intimately love. We can love even those who we do not personally know – those who are foreign and alien to us but in need of our love. This is what we know as caritas, or charity, in action – the love of neighbor. As St. Paul says, fide in caritate – faith works through charity. Charity in the Christian sense is when we tend to Christ whenever he is sick, hungry, thirsty, naked and in prison. It is an act of self-giving, just as God’s eros and agape for man is! Selfless love is possible because we are created in the image of a loving God.
As such, love is not just limited to couples, lovers and sweethearts. Love is available to us all – even to us who are single, brokenhearted, suffering and soul-searching. Otherwise, if it is not available, then we would all be living in a helpless, meaningless and hopeless world. Our world will never see light then. Without love, we will always see darkness. As Pope Benedict XVI concludes, “love is the light – and in the end, the only light – that can always illuminate a world grown dim and give us the courage needed to keep living and working.”
And this, my friends, is the summit of the theology of love. The heart of the theology of love is no less than and no other than the God of Love himself – the God of Love who has always loved us in joy and sorrow, in pain and in gain, in hope and despair, in our brokenness and in our wholeness. This is the truth of this theology of love: God has always loved us and it is mirrored in the way we love one another as lovers, partners, couples – husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends – parents and children, sisters and brothers, friends, neighbors and even foes. This is the zenith of the theology of love: God loves us and he will always love us! He loves us more than we could imagine! And in the experiences I’ve had in my almost 23 years of existence in this world, this is the theology of love that I have come to know and experience. It is this love that urges me to go on living, in spite of the many obstacles and hardships that I have faced and would still be facing in life. That is why despite my tragic romantic experiences, I still continue to believe and hope in love because I have come to accept the plain and simple truth that God really loves me, that he finds me loveable and likeable. It is this eros – and agape – I have received from God that has enabled me to write this piece on the theology of love. The theology of love, as I have shown and shared through my personal stories and reflections in this essay, is not a complex and complicated theoretical subject as it might seem but a rather, it is a living reality. The theology of love is not just about love between two people or among friends and fellowmen, it is, above all, about God’s love affair with mankind and the continuous presence of his hand in writing our own love stories.
Aware and cognizant of this beautiful truth, I pray to God to help me eventually find, build and sustain a love like the one that my parents are having and enjoying right now. May I find my own eros and receive agape in my life. I know that it would be difficult for me, since it is only now that I am beginning to heal and rediscover myself. But then, as I have always believed, love endures and like hope, it springs eternal. This is my prayer for myself. And this is also my prayer for you, my dear friends and loved ones! Makamtan nawa natin ang pag-ibig na ating matagal nang minimithi sa ating mga buhay!
References:
Pope Benedict XVI. 2005. Deus Caritas Est. On Christian Love.
L. English, CSsR. 1997. Tagalog-English Dictionary.
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